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Flirting with 'The Bachelor'

I had never paid much attention to reality television shows, except the one where they make contestants eat earthworms with marinara sauce. The shows are not my style.
So when I found myself walking into Doc and Eddy's Saturday evening to audition for ABC's The Bachelor, my first thought was, what has my life come to?

That's the show, I think, where some lucky guy gets to date 25 gorgeous women on national television, ingest beetles on a desert island, pose as the inbred millionaire son of European royalty, rat out his roommates and pick one of the women to be his lawfully wedded tabloid sensation.
Something like that. The details weren't important to me, because based on my post-divorce dating history, I'm pretty sure I'll meet my next wife in the pages of a catalog.
But I had my reasons.
As a journalist, it seemed like going undercover to do a first-person piece about the process could make for an interesting story. At least my bosses thought it was a wonderful idea. I will get them back one day.
As a human being, surviving the heartbreak of a recently ended longterm relationship, it seemed like the safe way to see if I was ready to enter the dating pool. Just being considered for the next round would be a welcome ego boost.
But if I didn't get past the initial audition, at least the rejection would be at the hands of a group of disinterested producers, not an actual woman.

Could or would?
Once inside, though, the competitive juices kicked in. I could have fun cavorting with 25 gorgeous women on national television, I told myself. I could find a person to be in a committed relationship with. I could win this thing, and strike a blow for baby boomers everywhere. Just keep telling myself that.
You see, I'm 47, with enough emotional baggage to warrant my own skycap. By The Bachelor standards, I might as well be a cryogenic tank mate of baseball legend Ted Williams. Buff was something they did at the carwash.
But surely there had to be a place in a woman's heart for those things I had tried to cultivate over the years— maturity, wit, intelligence, charm, a sense of humor and my almost complete collection of Guided By Voices CDs.
Striking a blow for baby boomers turned out to be harder than I thought, though. For one, I could not read the questionnaire auditioners were required to fill out. I would have to put my reading glasses on. Arrgh. That would be hip.
I fiddled around in denial for a few minutes, struggling to answer a few yes/no questions, before I broke down and put on the glasses. I was in for a shock.
It was not a three-page questionnaire. I was staring at an emotional essay test that I was not sure I wanted to pass.
Why did I think I was America's Most Eligible Bachelor? Why did I think I would make a good husband? What unique talent did I possess? How many serious relationships had I been involved in? Why did they end? Well, sister, there weren't enough pages to answer that last one.
Forget network television. I was burnt out on soul-searching, and now I was being asked to bare my soul to some anonymous TV producers— and I wasn't sure I wanted to. Could what I said be used against me some day, like some of my ex-girlfriends had done?
The experience was beginning to have the feel of a very awkward first date. Focus, I told myself. Think positive, try to be creative. Stop adjusting your glasses.
In about 15 minutes, I finished the questionnaire. On paper, I thought I had constructed an interesting persona, without coming across as too self-absorbed. Then came the screen test.

The audition
Personable casting producer Johnnie Raines welcomed me. I perched on a director's chair posed against a magenta backdrop. A single light illuminated the set. Oh please, don't make me look like Stephen King, I thought.
I looked into the camera. I recited my name and age. I told Johnnie I was a writer/filmmaker.
He asked me what kind of stuff I wrote. He asked me if I considered this audition fodder for a story. Sure, I said. But at the same time, I said it would be a really fun experience to be on The Bachelor.
I had taken a blind date to my 20th high school reunion, I told him. Appearing on The Bachelor would be a piece of cake.
And that was about it. Interview over. I really felt like Johnnie and I had hit it off, and I hoped he felt my sincerity. But I had to ask him one last thing before I left. I shook Johnnie's hand and looked him in the eye.
I'm 47, I said. I know I'm skewing towards the high end here on the age thing. What chance do I really have?
He smiled. A real smile, or a Hollywood smile, I didn't know. But it seemed sincere.
Age doesn't matter he said.
We're looking for someone who 25 women will fall in love with. Someone America can fall in love with. I think my heart skipped a beat.
The producers in L.A. would look over the tapes and make callbacks, he said.
I'll be waiting by the phone.

Full credit goes to:

ABQ Journal, NM

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