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flirting news - Flirting - The science of flirting
.... expert. Call it flirting, if you will, but attracting someone's attention is really about applying the science of body language. ...
The science of flirting
lingering looks across a crowded room. The glance that lasts a second longer than it should. Some are natural flirts; others freeze. Lisa Mitchell gets some tips from an expert.
Call it flirting, if you will, but attracting someone's attention is really about applying the science of body language. At least that's the explanation from Tracey Cox, a former editor of Australian Cosmopolitan, who is emerging as Britain's Candace Bushnell. She reels in about three dating offers a week, and Oprah Winfrey is considering having her as a regular guest on her TV show: she must be doing everything right.
It's reassuring to see the 42-year-old mistress of flirt has some responsible views on the mating game. She is attractive but not intimidating, with a personality that enthuses, rather than overwhelms. And you can tell by her chattering pace, she is passionate about helping people find and maintain love. It's like she's catching up on those 11 hours skipped since arriving from London this morning.
Superflirt is her fourth book on sexual discovery in five years, and Cox ties her international media success - in the United States, Britain and Australian markets - to a special blend of sex talk that is explicit, frank and informative, yet funny. Could it also be, amid the emotional baggage of divorce en masse and commitment curtailing careers and lifestyles, that we need to work a lot harder on securing a squeeze?
In the past 10 years, what I think is different now is that we see absolutely amazing women who are good looking, successful, attractive, completely together and independent, Cox says. I can think of 30 women like that without even thinking, but I can't think of 30 men . . . Women from 25 to 45 have grown up in this fantastic female generation where we've been taught we can do anything and forget about men . . . and you have all these men who don't know what the hell to do with them.
He's attracted if . . .
He lets you see him checking out your body
He spreads his legs while sitting opposite
He stands with his hands on his hips
He plays with the buttons on his jacket
He touches his face while looking at you
He starts squeezing his glass or rolls it from side to side: he's thinking, breasts
She's attracted if . . .
She's looking at your mouth
She's lightly stroking her outer thigh
She starts massaging her neck
She flashes her wrists
She stands with her legs apart, weight on one foot, hips tilted
She starts invading your space with objects
She darts short, repetitive glances your way
The new dynamic isn't serving either side particularly well, she thinks. Women are asking themselves what's the point? if newfound fabulousness makes them too terrifying to date. And men are still expected to make the moves on the social scene. But the joy of being able to read body language, says Cox, is that men and women can test the water without getting splashed in the face.
If you send out the right signals, the rejection factor is much lower, you can take more risks and there's more chance of connection, which is surely a good thing. You're not actually putting yourself on the line and it's not humiliating. You can play a little game and move on, and they won't even know. A lot of it's just science.
Cox has a psychology degree and a counselling practice of almost 20 years, which spans the agony aunt columns and relationships articles of newspapers and magazines, radio shows, British television and books. Much of the practical information in Superflirt is adapted from behavioural research such as that of her mentor, Desmond Morris, a pre-eminent British zoologist and author of The Naked Ape, a behavioural study of the human animal.
What Cox does is take that information and turn it into a practical and amusing guide for hapless humans hoping to attract the opposite sex. Simple things such as: if you're interested in someone, lean forward, make sure your feet are pointing in their direction, and don't fold your arms. Look for tell-tale clusters of body language for a sure sign someone is keen. It's all in the way we walk, sit, stand talk, and our mannerisms.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for working on the cause, not the symptom: you do need to address the issues that made you shy in the first place, as well as work on your body language, she writes.
Apart from its snappy, accessible design, Superflirt brims with precise tips: If he's given you three looks and is standing within 1.5 metres, you're in!; illuminating facts: Women choose from 52 moves to show men they're interested. The average bloke chooses from a maximum of 10 moves to attract a female.; and amazing trivia: If you've gone out with someone who looks like you, they're four times more likely to fall in love with you!
Once you've pulled your prey, Cox is not so keen on the idea of satisfying those suggestive looks with sassy follow-through. People find it a bit odd that she's never been one for sex on the first date, or early on in a relationship, she says.
I think it confuses things . . . and because I work in the industry, I have a great respect for sex: I've seen it muck-up so many people's lives and relationships. So when I go out with somebody, I might not sleep with them for ages, say - six weeks - if it's heavy dating of two to three times per week. I think the longer you wait, the better.
You have to wonder if a woman saddled with such knowledge ever has a vulnerable moment on a field of horseplay. She swears she has the same insecurities as everyone else, however, and would still seek a reality check from a friend if her body language lured someone who really took my breath away.
In general, men like her, she says, probably because she listens to them. The secret to getting male attention is not to be one of the boys . . . it's to stop looking at them as a man, a sexual target . . . it's to really get what makes them tick that counts.
She hopes to work on what makes Rob tick when her hectic schedule abates - two weeks in Australia, then on to South Africa and the US before returning home, where she divides her time between London and New York.
Since she met him seven months ago, while filming her BBC television dating show Would Like to Meet, they've hardly seen each other. Instead, various publications containing her regular columns inform Rob about the wonderful sex life he might look forward to. But after one marriage, which ended in an amicable divorce eight years ago, and countless dates, Cox feels ready to settle down.
The teacher appears when the pupil is ready. And I know so much and I know myself so well that I can tell within a week whether a person's going to suit me or not, long term. I think that's what I hope for in the next five years, that I'm really happily settled with one person.
Mirror mirror . . .
Similarity breeds content - we like people who are like us. If someone is mirroring our behaviour, we sense they're on the same level. We feel both accepted and flattered - which is why this one technique can turn a good flirt into a great one, instantly!
We mirror visually (body posture), verbally (the actual words chosen), and vocally (with our voice tone and speed).
But the first one is crucial: 55 per cent of us mirror with our body language, 38 per cent vocally, but only 7 per cent verbally.
Test them out
Check you're on the same wavelength by seeing if they mirror your movements. Cross a leg, see if they follow.
Wait a few minutes and try something else. If they don't automatically mimic the gesture, go back to mirroring them to increase rapport, then try again.
If they're doing the opposite to mirroring and changing their position so you're racing to keep up, you're getting intimate too fast. Back off - they're not ready to connect yet.
Don't do it
(Really bad pick-up lines)
Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Can I get a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
God was showing off when he made you.
Hi, I'm incredibly rich.
You must be a parking ticket, because you have fine written all over you.
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